Holy Security, Batman!

A brand-new bill marching confidently through the Florida legislature proposes a bold new strategy for protecting houses of worship: give guns to volunteers and skip most of the pesky training. Because if there’s one thing that screams “carefully thought-out public safety policy,” it’s armed amateurs on a divine mission.

The bill would allow untrained volunteers to provide armed security in churches, synagogues, and mosques. Currently, Florida requires armed security personnel to have a professional security license, an exhausting process involving a background check and a grueling 28 hours of classroom training on safety and proficiency. The horror. It also takes about 30 to 90 days to complete, which, as we all know, is an eternity when the solution is obviously just handing someone a gun and a sense of purpose.

Lawmakers expect the bill to pass the House and land on the governor’s desk, where it will likely be signed into law and take effect on July 1. The measure arrives amid growing concern about violence at houses of worship nationwide, including high-profile attacks like last August’s shooting at a Catholic school in Minneapolis that left two children dead and 21 others injured. Naturally, the logical response to tragic violence is to dramatically lower the bar for who gets to be armed security.

Online commenters were quick to notice the elegance of the plan.

“Nothing says safety like untrained people with guns,” one Reddit user observed, clearly impressed by the legislature’s commitment to innovation.

Others worried, apparently overthinking things that guards who skip training might overreact or fail to de-escalate tense situations. But thankfully the internet was there to reassure them.

“Letting random armed volunteers handle security sounds like a flawless plan,” another Redditor wrote. “Guess thoughts and prayers count as training now.”

Some commenters took a more faith-based approach to the proposal.

“Go for it!” one user said. “I’m sure God will ‘protect the innocent’ just like he does at schools and grocery stores.”

To be fair, the bill does include a few minor hurdles for aspiring volunteer guardians of the sanctuary. Participants must obtain a concealed carry permit, pass a Level 2 background check, and get approval from their local sheriff’s office before stepping into their new role as unpaid holy security.

And yes, the bill specifies that these volunteer defenders cannot be paid for their work because nothing reinforces professionalism like doing an extremely high-stakes job for free. However, they may receive a “reasonable” reimbursement for training costs, which is convenient, given that the entire point of the bill is avoiding most of that training in the first place.

In short, Florida may soon pioneer a new form of faith-based security: the honor system, but with firearms. What could possibly go wrong?

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